Hello you gorgeous MER-PEOPLE!
I know I know, it’s been a billion years since the last time we spoke. Much like my relationship status, this blog goes offline one century at the time and then one day as I’m walking by, I accidentally stumble upon a guy’s butt crack creeping up his pants and I think with myself : WHOA REMEMBER WHEN I WROTE A BLOG?
ANYWHORE, I hope all is well with ya’ll cause it’s going pretty well with me! I just released an album (no big deal) and then got nominated for a Hollywood Music in Media Award AGAIN (NO BIGGIE) and then got nominated for a Music California Video Award for the video of the year. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that , umm..Am I datable yet?? lol
You know I always nag about guys, but honestly it’s not their fault! My heart is like an international terminal. Super crowded! Every second somebody new lands and some older crush takes off. Some stay overnight in transition but eventually the airport kicks them out. I’m like red riding hood following a trail of “After Shave”!
When you’re a natural flirt though, you suddenly feel like you’re the shit and then your ego gets kicked in the nuts. I was walking to a gig in hollywood once and I saw a group of thug boy homies on the side of the sidewalk catcalling every woman that walked by. So I thought with myself “Ugh, I can’t handle this, now I’m gonna walk pass them and they’re gonna catcall me!”
I walked pass them…
and…
….crickets…..
NOTHING!! SILENCE!! can you imagine?? No “Look at dat ass” , No “lady where you going” Nothing! HURT is an understatement of how my heart felt!
In these moments of bruised egos, one advise I can give is that alcohol soothes pain! in fact you should thank Tequila and Halloweekend for this blog as I was too hung over to do anything else. YOU’re probably hung over as you’re reading this!
Ah sweet Halloween. A day all of us women have an excuse to show extra cleavage and extra booty and guys have a chance to get us drunk and pretend like they’re dancing when all they’re really doing is just wobbling around hoping for you to recognize them and hopefully reward them with a grind! EKH
I definitely have my great share of horrendous halloween stories that might help you navigate better in your experience!
LADIES
there are 5 different types of guys on halloween!
1.The guy that looks like a murderer and is following you around the whole party.
Oh hell no! This is a disaster case, you wanna stay as far away as you can from this guy because lets be honest you might think he is just wearing a costume but he might just be a murderer! or WORSE! he could be a very shy, very drunk guy that thinks alcohol is going to magically connect your genitals with his!
2. The hot guy!
Ahh the worst!!! Ladies, this is when YOU, become the creep who is following HIM around. We all had that moment in a party when we see a handsome fellow and we think “ooh I’m gonna make out with you tonight!!!” ……Well…. don’t!!
This handsome heart breaker doesn’t only belong to you! he belongs to the whole community of women from all ages. He is the guy thats going to make out with almost half the party and take home the sluttiest. So even if you do get the chance to share saliva with this BRAD PITT, you’re not just french kissing him, you’re probably kissing 3 dozen women that he just kissed! This is how people get HERPES by the way!…………………..is it? I don’t know man..I didn’t really pay much attention in sex ed..BUT DONT DO IT!
3. The wobbly guy!
Run! run for dear life. The wobble guy had too much to drink and is on the edge of vomit explosion. If his head is down it’s not because he is looking at your boobs, it’s because he can’t get his head up and he probably can’t get anything else up either!! also try to stay away from any wobble person because bad things happen to good people and this includes projectile vomiting.
4. One night only
This is the guy who is in a relationship or just for whatever reason emotionally unavailable! He thinks he can get some for the night and then CHAO, He is probably more sober than any other guy and really just there to hunt a booty! Don’t give him yours.
5. The good guy
if you found any, give them my number please!
GENTLEMEN
There are 5 types of women on halloween
1. Kinda Sober
This woman probably has a Ph.D and was probably dragged to the party by her trouble maker friends who are dressed in slutty nurse costumes! She on the other hand is just a normal cat! SHE IS A CATCH! give her your number.
2. Slutty Nurse
Not sure if you guys know this or not but us women have an ovulation cycle during which our body physically hunts for male genitalia. These lovely ladies are probably on their cycle or have just broken up with an asshole ex or Both! Be aware that if you sleep with her and not call her back she might burn your clothes or scratch your car or BOTH!
3. I’m here to dance bitch
The group I’m personally a part of, is just here to PARTY and just dance and forget about those damn work deadlines! We might consider a make out here and there but we don’t leave with you and we also don’t get drunk enough to dry hump on the dance floor!
4. The Wobble
Yup! She has had too much to drink. Be a gentleman, get her an Uber and send her home ALONE! However if she approached you and started biting your face off, she might have been a zombie! This is LA anything can happen!
5. The mouse
This creepy cutie is eyeing you all night, and probably following you around. It might be annoying but she really just likes ya so offer her a dance and get her number and she’ll leave you alone. Again, if she approached you and had blood on her top, she might have been a vampire or a murderer or who fucking knows. Just Run!
I think I summed it up pretty well for you guys! Have fun! Halloween is really magical because alcohol brings out the truth in people.
Halloween is my Valentines Day. The amount of I love you’s and kisses I get from shit faced friends and family is more than any other holiday!! Just one general advice though, don’t leave with people you just made friends with.
I was in a party last night, this girl had just met a guy (type 2!) on the dance floor, had gotten hot and heavy and then right when she turned away he picked up another girl. This all happened right in front of my eyes as I was struggling to get down to Cardi B Kodak Yellow in my Mermaid tail costume. (Don’t wear a mermaid tail costume if you wanna dance or walk or pee!) Anywhore, poor girl was heart broken.
In the mean time this guy I kinda have a crush on shows up and I’m all holding his tie so he doesn’t get away as I’m comforting this girl. Suddenly she goes “I’m gonna go to the rest room do you wanna come?” to which I reply “To pee or not to pee” to which she responds “Oh no, I just wanna do some coke” so I said “Um, I think I’m just gonna stay here and grind on this dude for a bit but thanks!”
You guys,
always choose grinding over drugs!
MARYAMA
P.S go vote for my music video http://www.tastetv.com/music-california-video-awards-viewers-choice/